Isan's Journal

 Looking in from the outside, Things may seem so organized My mind is anything but, It took a long time to realize Why can't things just be kept simple?  The way they were before Not as messed up as they are now, Back when I wasn't so insecure The person I thought I was, The one they all used to see The girl that jokes and laughs;  Yes the ghost of me Everything has piled up,  And the damage has been done I don't mold to what they want At least not anymore I let myself fall Without being sure if I'll be caught Definitely not doing that again The lesson has definitely been taught

  For so long I had waited I'd kept my faith I believed in it It can't possibly be what people paint But then I got it And I realized why people ran from it It's like a lifetime subscription to tears Definitely not my fit Love could be a crossroad But a decision still needs to be made You can choose to stay It could end up not being a façade The decision is yours to make The step is yours to take Whatever your heart may wish Determines your mental state

  It's not hard to see, q uite easy to understand Everything can work out, i t's just your frame of mind Not everything done is essential, and n ot all opinions are relevant You need to understand that no situation is fatal It might seem that way now But that's from your point of view Look through a different angle You'll discover something new It might not be as easy as it sounds But with time, it will come through Forget about what others say And know; all that matters is you

You had me chained up, c onstantly ready for you to use But I didn't care,  I was ready to take in another bruise Young and dumb,  I believed every lie you told Smitten by love, I  bought every word you sold How stupid I acted, I cannot even comprehend How pathetic I was, I didn't want to believe your pretend "That's not true", I said. "He loves me" But you never came back, and I knew it was never meant to be I should have listened, they all told me to do what's right What did I say? "I'm ready to go under without a fight" Damn me, damn you; damn the thing called emotions What is wrong with me? Why do I do things irrationally? I won't sit and feel pity for myself, not anymore I don't care what part of me I live behind, I will fight my way out the door

 With weary hands, I write this down With a shaky breath, I cry my heart out To say I'm in pain is an understatement But to explain an ever more extensive assignment If at any moment, my heart fails me Do not a thing, but leave me be You may not know, but sleep is a hefty task But I don't expect you to, its quite an intruding ask On this occasion, I will let it be known My subconscious is not my own To their accord do the demons sew Back to my mind, I am afraid to go Between us shall this secret be Until the demons rest, will I sleep

If I remember all the good things, would they come back? And if I dwell on my bad past, would it change? If I scream in a vacuum, would I be heard? Or if I cry in a bathroom, would it drain? If I wish upon a star. would it be granted? Or in a well like those that tread the earth years before? Are the feet of bunnies really lucky? Or the shells that are found on the seashore? If I told you a secret, would you keep it? Hold it dearly to your heart until your grave? Would you spread it around like a town-crier? Or keep it to yourself, come what may? When the sun goes down, will you be there? Keep me safe from all that's lurking in the darkness? Will you shield me from all the horrors of the world? Or leave me to drown in the nothingness?

 It's not easy trying to be sane, to watch and sit still When you know that deep within, your lungs are begging for a scream All so you can fit into the society, the same one that neglects you So you begin to wonder if there is any point to continue "Be yourself" That's the saying, right? So what's wrong in doing that And giving your personality a spot in the light The more you hide in the box, the more the cracks come Just add one more insecurity to that and it will breakout like a storm You're beginning to understand Not all doors can be walked through And starting to neglect one fact; They won't accept you

 Once again, sitting alone in the shadows Running through all the tribulations  The name-calling and finger-pointing All the uncomfortable situations Being trapped while hoping for a rescue Hiding the pain is making it more unbearable  Feeling un-beautiful beside peers With self-confidence left almost unrepairable  Trying desperately hard to fit in with friends  Did things they did to be 'interesting' Replaced true personality for acceptance  Got left with lonely nights spent pillow-crying Just wanted to climb up the hierarchy  But got left with less of my mind All hope is lost to find a soft space to land Praying it won't be too late while running out of time

Can time just halt here I don't want this moment to end Can the minute just be stagnant Like a never ending trend These are the moments I will never think of letting go And these are the days I wish were like a bottomless hole The time will wait While we continue onwards I don't want this to pass by But I am no coward So, let us gather our priceless possessions And hold onto them tightly  Let us know our paths And trad very lightly Our future is right here In our hands is the key The time draws near It is no longer a beseech Everything comes down to this It's all we've ever wanted It is all and all for now