Isan's Journal

I've been waking up in violent sweat In short of breath Been having cuts that just won't close Like I'm close to death Could this be love? Or a sign I need to let go Our souls were made to be mates Our bodies fit interlaced This couldn't have been a mistake So, why does this feel like the wrong place? I thought this was love I don't want to let go I'm standing at his door Praying he's not home  Nothing really left to say Just want to drop off his coat It was never love I'm trying to let go

 Looking in from the outside, Things may seem so organized My mind is anything but, It took a long time to realize Why can't things just be kept simple?  The way they were before Not as messed up as they are now, Back when I wasn't so insecure The person I thought I was, The one they all used to see The girl that jokes and laughs;  Yes the ghost of me Everything has piled up,  And the damage has been done I don't mold to what they want At least not anymore I let myself fall Without being sure if I'll be caught Definitely not doing that again The lesson has definitely been taught

  For so long I had waited I'd kept my faith I believed in it It can't possibly be what people paint But then I got it And I realized why people ran from it It's like a lifetime subscription to tears Definitely not my fit Love could be a crossroad But a decision still needs to be made You can choose to stay It could end up not being a façade The decision is yours to make The step is yours to take Whatever your heart may wish Determines your mental state

  It's not hard to see, q uite easy to understand Everything can work out, i t's just your frame of mind Not everything done is essential, and n ot all opinions are relevant You need to understand that no situation is fatal It might seem that way now But that's from your point of view Look through a different angle You'll discover something new It might not be as easy as it sounds But with time, it will come through Forget about what others say And know; all that matters is you

You had me chained up, c onstantly ready for you to use But I didn't care,  I was ready to take in another bruise Young and dumb,  I believed every lie you told Smitten by love, I  bought every word you sold How stupid I acted, I cannot even comprehend How pathetic I was, I didn't want to believe your pretend "That's not true", I said. "He loves me" But you never came back, and I knew it was never meant to be I should have listened, they all told me to do what's right What did I say? "I'm ready to go under without a fight" Damn me, damn you; damn the thing called emotions What is wrong with me? Why do I do things irrationally? I won't sit and feel pity for myself, not anymore I don't care what part of me I live behind, I will fight my way out the door

 With weary hands, I write this down With a shaky breath, I cry my heart out To say I'm in pain is an understatement But to explain an ever more extensive assignment If at any moment, my heart fails me Do not a thing, but leave me be You may not know, but sleep is a hefty task But I don't expect you to, its quite an intruding ask On this occasion, I will let it be known My subconscious is not my own To their accord do the demons sew Back to my mind, I am afraid to go Between us shall this secret be Until the demons rest, will I sleep

If I remember all the good things, would they come back? And if I dwell on my bad past, would it change? If I scream in a vacuum, would I be heard? Or if I cry in a bathroom, would it drain? If I wish upon a star. would it be granted? Or in a well like those that tread the earth years before? Are the feet of bunnies really lucky? Or the shells that are found on the seashore? If I told you a secret, would you keep it? Hold it dearly to your heart until your grave? Would you spread it around like a town-crier? Or keep it to yourself, come what may? When the sun goes down, will you be there? Keep me safe from all that's lurking in the darkness? Will you shield me from all the horrors of the world? Or leave me to drown in the nothingness?

 It's not easy trying to be sane, to watch and sit still When you know that deep within, your lungs are begging for a scream All so you can fit into the society, the same one that neglects you So you begin to wonder if there is any point to continue "Be yourself" That's the saying, right? So what's wrong in doing that And giving your personality a spot in the light The more you hide in the box, the more the cracks come Just add one more insecurity to that and it will breakout like a storm You're beginning to understand Not all doors can be walked through And starting to neglect one fact; They won't accept you

 Once again, sitting alone in the shadows Running through all the tribulations  The name-calling and finger-pointing All the uncomfortable situations Being trapped while hoping for a rescue Hiding the pain is making it more unbearable  Feeling un-beautiful beside peers With self-confidence left almost unrepairable  Trying desperately hard to fit in with friends  Did things they did to be 'interesting' Replaced true personality for acceptance  Got left with lonely nights spent pillow-crying Just wanted to climb up the hierarchy  But got left with less of my mind All hope is lost to find a soft space to land Praying it won't be too late while running out of time

Can time just halt here I don't want this moment to end Can the minute just be stagnant Like a never ending trend These are the moments I will never think of letting go And these are the days I wish were like a bottomless hole The time will wait While we continue onwards I don't want this to pass by But I am no coward So, let us gather our priceless possessions And hold onto them tightly  Let us know our paths And trad very lightly Our future is right here In our hands is the key The time draws near It is no longer a beseech Everything comes down to this It's all we've ever wanted It is all and all for now 

 History repeats itself  Dead black bodies everywhere They hunt us down like we're animals While we are left with nothing but to cower in fear  The pain and suffering our ancestors went through  The blood they shed for our freedom Will they make it all in vain? Or we will rise to put together our nation?  The course of history is changing Strong black people roam the land We are fighting to get what we have asked for nicely before And by whatever means necessary, we will take it by hand Feeding off the scraps they leave us is no longer an option We are fighting so our children will not have to We kneel so our generation can rise No matter what it takes, we will do. ✊✊🏽✊🏿

 Love An action and a feeling I don't understand it Still trying to learn its meaning  I've seen people kill for it, die for it Say its what they live for But what if the feelings aren't reciprocated?  What if you're left empty at the door? Of what point will it be? You could kill or you could die But it won't matter if they don't feel the same Or would you say 'it was worth the try'? Why have sleepless nights for them? Why go through extreme measures and pain Why reject everything and everyone  Only to be the one crying in the rain

 My mind Is it my safe space or am I in bondage?  Do my thoughts save me or take me in deeper? Are they helping or putting me in more danger? If I had the choice to leave, would I take it? Will I sit here and drown myself in sorrow? Remember all the hurtful words and bitter actions? Open up my wounds and pour the salt in  Or will I take my chance of survival? Is salvation still possible or is it a dream? Can I still get it? Am I too late?

 Never been so numb, never been this weak All my emotions are locked up But I don't know where I left the key Maybe that's why I can't feel a thing I left myself there, at least I think I did Or did she leave  Is that the reason I'm lost Or was that something that's been there for years My hands are trembling but there's nothing that's scary Maybe the void is Just left laying here, not a thought in mind Just me and the abyss

 I've self-sabotaged I had friends, at least I thought I did  We talked, we joked, we gossiped  Everything was exactly as it seemed No intrusive thoughts  The picture looked so clear through my clouded eyes I had nothing to worry about  It was safe to depend on others It felt nice until didn't  A crack came up It didn't seem like it could do any harm So, I overlooked it A stain smudged my white dress No one will notice if I just covered it up So I hid it "Should you be doing that?" There it is again, the voice But it had a different tone Mistakes never did so much damage Everything would be on the right track if I just repaint the lanes I can't go back to when I didn't have this I need to preserve it The glass case I protected them in shattered So, I got q drape to cover them "You don't realise, do you?" I don't have time for you, voice My white dress became unrecognisable with all the stains on it So, I just got a new one "You'l...

 What we had a few months ago What we talked about for How we laughed and played together Just drifted away like the waters You changed my life without even trying Then walked out one second without caring My gullible heart was left out there in the open Begging for someone to give it an aim My predictable self, left hiding in the comfort of my sorrows Looking for the one that will bring back the flame